Grandmother


Grandmother

 

You are

The bringer of light

The fixer of all pains

The philosopher filled with insight into the future

The historian filled with facts of great times past

 

You are

Graceful

Inspired

Beautiful

 

You are the reason my heartbeat is so strong

Why I take extra concern to treat others well

Why I always have mittens to protect myself from the cold

Why I am prepared if I find someone else lost and in need of warmth

 

Your insight stems from the heavens

Within the recesses of your soul are the key ingredients to perfection

 

There is no being who can compare

You taught me to be the best version of myself

Reinforcing my potential for greatness

Everything good in me came from you

My strength stems from being in your bloodline

 

Forever frozen in time

Immortalized in memories and photographs

Is a little girl who saw God in the eyes of her grandmother

That little girl grew up

The world changed

The one definite truth remained the same

In the eyes of her grandmother she still saw God

And all that was righteous and good in this world

Existed inside her grandmothers spirit

 

You changed the world

You filled it with love, light and hope

The world will be better because of you

 

Grandmother—you are my heart in human form

My idol

My muse

My angel

Now you can finally fly

The Emo Rant


I hate Debbie Downers, but life is pretty rough right now….soooo bring on the Debbie Downer rant!

I literally feel as though I have stepped inside the walls of my own personal purgatory; my own health is failing me, and my heart–my everything–my grandmothers health continues to diminish. I am unable to visit her, just another thing cancer has robbed me of. Then of course guilt kicks in, I am sitting here dwelling on my sadness and all the bad encompassing my life–but, what about those around me that care for me? My sadness in addition to poor health is hard on them as well.

I have the same heart as my Grandma. We are two peas in an awesome pod. So, I know my strength has come from her. I know deep in my heart she will beat this, she will not come out unscathed, but she will be here and that is all that matters. I am my Grandmothers baby girl, all my strength came from her. If I had the ability to earn a degree while fighting a deadly disease, never showing how truly sick I was and fighting on, then my Grammy will use that same strength and fight to come home, and begin life outside of a hospital again.

Twenty-Five and I have already led two lives. Life before cancer. Life with cancer. I am filled with too much frustration over the life I deserve. But will never acquire. My fire feels like it is slowly flickering out. The loveliness of a Canadian winter is freezing my heart along with the ground. Twenty-five and I’ve had two completely different lives…These eras feel so far away from one another. Life before cancer feels dead. Almost as if it never existed.

Does that mean part of me is dead too? Is that why I can never be the same person again?

Pictures of the past show a ghost. I am not that girl anymore. In that girls place. Is the face of cancer. Fear has masked my true face. My fears take me further to the core of sickness and despair. To the land of no return. In the end—I alone brought myself here. Cancer. It is the word that is always in my head. Whispering threats, taunting me. I am afraid I am going to miss out on my life. I have a heavy heart I will be taken too soon. All I want is to stay. To be healthy. To be happy. To grow into a better person. I’m scared I am going to miss it all. Watching life run its natural course. Growing old. Watching the next generation grow up. Watch as the world advances and moves further back at the exact same time. I am afraid. Life will continue without me. My life. Will function without me. Your dreams will come true. Without me.

I am afraid of missing my life. So I covet the darkness and embrace my fear of the possibility of my demise. I try and chase away the echoing screams of my fears. Feeding these fears energy and emotion cause them to thrive. To grow strong. Persistent. I can’t chase away images. Invisible holes deep inside of me.

To silence these fears in my mind. I have to voice them. My fear is my time is short. It is time I use that fear and let it drive me to the land of the living. I cannot waste time, life is too beautiful and precious. The same amount of energy is exerted to be happy as it is to be unhappy. I need to start living. I am dying in the land of what if’s. Everyday I’ve held back is a day ill never get back. I have to go on faith. In myself. Believe. Theres nothing else left for me to do.

The mass amount of chaos surround my life is what is dragging me further down. I need to take a step back. Accept meds will make me sick for a while…then prepare for the next stage in life….

Life continues on, and brings us forward–it always does. Two-years ago on New Years Eve I remember being early into treatment, rocking my wig with zero hair underneath. For the first time in a while I felt confident and pretty. A semi-decent looking guy kept hitting on me all night, but I kept blowing him off. Finally, the drunken fool proceeds to cuss me out and pull my hair. 11:56 and I am in a full bar with my wig on the ground, with all the losers attention on me making fun of me. Of course, my group of friends were off with guys so I was solo to handle my torment.

I left the bar, and remember to this day exactly how low and insignificant I felt. Two-years later, I laugh at this. What a clown, to get dissed by a girl in a bar and proceed to pull her hair and then ridicule her? I can laugh now because people are so pathetic.

So anytime I think life is so horrible and will never get better, I remember this night. I may have weak moments, but I am an unstoppable force.

RANT DONE.

Deuces Cancer, you suck.

Be Careful


Be Careful

 

Life slips into an ordinary rhythm of dullness

Hour plodding calmly into boring hour

No threat of any variation in routine

No sign of change

 

Nothing but more of the same

Normality

It’s comforting

It’s full and it lulls us all into a state

Of walking slumber

 

We fixate on meaningless things

As if they were overwhelmingly significant

 

All the while

The truly important stuff we are ignoring

Is lying in the shadows sharpening its fangs

Slinking up behind us

 

The more nothing happens

The more unlikely things will change

 

You wish for some change

Some excitement

 

One of the few great truths of Western thought

Be very careful what you wish for because you might get it

 

And when you do

You learn things can come to an end in an instant

And never return

 

PERFECT


Be Perfect

 

Don’t be fat.

Don’t be thin.

Don’t be short.

Don’t be tall.

Don’t have straight hair.

Don’t have curly hair.

Don’t be outgoing.

Don’t be shy.

Don’t be sexy.

Don’t be chaste.

Don’t be smart.

Don’t be stupid.

Don’t be light.

Don’t be dark.

Don’t be conservative.

Don’t be liberal.

Don’t be simple.

Don’t be complex.

 

Be perfect.

BLESSED TRAINWRECK


Blessed Trainwreck

 

The world is moving on all around me.

While I stand still.

Waiting for disaster.

I attract darkness.

I embrace the light.

 

Extreme pain to extreme joy.

Blessings.

Trainwrecks.

Is the story of my life.

Pain and I have always been close.

 

There are great and terrible purposes for every trainwreck

Nothing about this universe is random.

Definite reasons for everything exist.

 

This right now.

Is not the end.

It is not even the beginning of the end.

 

It is the end of the beginning.

 

I’ve been lost and I have been found.

I am strong. I am scared. I am hopeful.

I am blessed. I am a trainwreck.

 

I see now with clarity there is a reason for everything; for better or for worse.

 

A moment of introspection leads me to truth.

I find pride in the truth of being a trainwreck.

Life is messy.

Dark.

Difficult.

Above all else—beautiful.

 

A trainwreck has strength most can only admire.

A trainwreck has been broken and defeated.

But still stands tall.

 

I will not change for anyone, nor do I want to.

Everything that has happened to me has happened for a reason

or to give me a reason for needed change.

 

Blessed.

Trainwreck.

 

Anything less is inadequate.

Nothing Lasts Forever


Nothing Lasts Forever

Consider the lessons you inflicted on us

In trust

We will uncover lies

In relationships

We will find manipulation

In love

There will only be pain

This is what we forever remember

When we think of you

The drugs took something so beautiful

Nearly perfect

It ate away at you

Finally

It exposed all your flaws

Intensified them

Until only your flaws remained

We look at you now

So broken and defeated

We see the harshest lesson of all

Turned into a bitter reality

Nothing lasts forever

What Are Dreams?


What Are Dreams?

 

Are dreams a message, or a warning?

Every night you show up in my dreams

Every day I am left to ponder what message you are trying to send

What unresolved business is left for you to attend

 

What words between us were left unspoken that were so important

They drive you back to me

 

Finally I found a resolution

 

You appear in my dreams because my days aren’t complete without you

You appear because I never got the last chance to say I love you

 

I dream of you because I carry you with me everyday

In my dreams you come back to me to make sure I am not alone

Its my loneliness that’s draws you into my dreams

 

Meanwhile by day you’re at peace in the land of the quiet dead

I need to move on

To set you free to the way things were destined to be